This is for all my romance novel reading friends…
Please. Please. Please do not pick up Karin Tabke’s Master of Surrender. Yes, I am aware the title is quite ridiculous but the language is even worse. I heard Skin was hot and since Borders didn’t have Skin, and I needed a free book for the buy 2 get one free deal… Anyhow, lesson learned.
It’s historical, set in Post!Hastings England or somewhere that everyone says nay one too many times. In fact there are 25 nays in the first 30 pages alone. Nay, is that a horse? *snicker*
Nay, I can not verily unto thee give my maidenhead, but tingle it does at the sight of thy generous manhood.
I am so distracted by the language that I can’t even tell you what the book is about, but if feels like a twisted version of King Arthur. The Blood Swords are eight guys bound together by some sorta prophecy, prison torture (hot) and a brand (even hotter). They set out on some sorta mission raping and pillaging. The Blood Swords main claim to fame is their spunk which is such a potent elixir the holy woman just has to shout “take heed with your seed.”
I’m not so sure what makes it so powerful, maybe if I watered it and stroked it a bit….
I try to give a book between 50 to 100 pages depending on length before I chuck it across the room. Master of Surrender gets 65 pages. In the middle of said page one of the Blood Swords casually asks another “so have you found a womb worthy of your seed?” HOWL !!!! WTF? I was willing to over look the take heed comment but this one is too stupid for words. I’m not reading anymore. It’s done.
This is almost as good as Shelley Bradley’s philosophy that having anal sex with stupid people can actually save their lives. “I’m fucking your ass. Saving your life! *snort*
EDIT: My bad, the dudes are Blood Swords not Black Swords. Whatever. *shurgs*
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omg what a funny post!! I am SOO taking heed of my seed now! Wait, I don’t have any seed to take heed of! Nay!!! My bosoms are heaving though
LOL
Nay, nay, nay…
*whinnie*
LMAO!!!
Thank you for the heads up or shall I say the “heeding of my seed” LOL. I’ve read Tabke’s contemporary stuff, “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” in the anthology The Hard Stuff, Good Girl Gone Bad (her hottest IMHO) and Skin. Her contemporary books are usually good for a short somewhat satisfying romp. I rarely read historicals though and based on your review I think I’ll pass on Master of Surrender. (I had been eyeing it for purchase). If I want good fantasy of the King Arthur variety I think I’ll stick with a re-read of “Mists of Avalon. Thanks again.
Aye (the second most abused word in MOS), Mists of Avalon is just brilliant.
I’d had Tabke’s stuff on my ‘writers to check out’ list, but after this one, my curiosity is quite satisfied.
At least my maidenhead was protected thusly from said seed.
Foreswooth.. Doth thee editor not knoweth thus usage of thy language makeith the readership pukeith?
Seriously… I used to read a hell of a lot of historical romance and just a couple of words thrown in to color the dialog is enough to keep the reader in the moment. Too much results in… well the book being thrown across the room at page 65. And as charlea2 pointed out bodice rippers fell out of fashion a while back… like 20 years ago.
I hope your next book makes the grade.
At least Master of Surrender didn’t leave a dent in the wall when I threw it. I can’t say the same for other books,
lover unbound.*sigh* I have no idea how this stuff gets published.
blind editors and books that are not printed in braile for them?
Good grief, it sounds like a really bad parody of a cheesy porno historical novel…which would have been funny as a short story, but to pass it off as a legitimate novel…That’s just wrong. What were the publishers smoking (or who were they trying to get into bed) to actually put such drivel on a printed page?
I am declaring a day of mourning for the trees who gave their lives to such a heinous waste of paper. Wouldst that those trees had heeded their seeds….>
I’m beginning to think I could totally be published if I just threw the most outlandish crap on the page and said “isn’t it grand?!”
No, you need to say, “Verily, does not my most fragrant and prodigious fecal production appear magnificently harmonious on yon humble yet worthy printed page?”
Then you have to worship the Magnificent Member of the publisher. On your knees, of course, as befits your position as humble petitioner for publication.